Monday, 4 January 2010

2010

I have not stopped blogging. I just don’t know what to blog about. Every time I have something to say, I’d stop myself from saying it for fear that it’d be too depressing.
But let me tell you this. 2009 was one of the most productive, adventurous, exciting, scary, enlightening, tiring and eventful years of my life.
2010 is here. A good friend of mine, who happens to be an outstanding performer at work, resolves to slack at work. Another aims to diet like crazy. A few dream of finding their soul mates.
I’ve no resolutions. I never make resolutions. But if I was forced to, here would be a list of resolutions I may/may not/don’t intend to/have the will or ability to keep:
1. Slim down
2. Magically become pretty
3. Learn to restrain my temper
4. Pick up gardening
5. Import something
6. Change cars
7. Buy another house
8. Learn to cook (anything apart from Maggie and nasi and air)
9. Idiot cleansing
10. Take Mandarin lessons
11. Breed
12. Screw work
13. Swim more
14. Eat less
15. Leave work early
16. Eat at home more
17. Find a good aglio recipe (for someone else to cook)
18. Get addicted to football for Jai’s sake (or at least pretend to show interest :P)
19. Get a new job
20. Leave EY
posted by aFTiRuSLi at 4:53:00 PM

Monday, 26 October 2009

I gotta keep asking myself little questions. Like where do I go from here?

It's almost November. In a few months, 2009 would come to a close and most of you would be busy conjuring up new year resolutions that none of you intend to or have the will strong enough to keep. For me, 2009 is/will be one of the most eventful years of my life...

The x-ray that lead to the incidental finding, our trip to London, the resignation, the retraction, the surgery, the new house, the promotion, the mega expenditures, the biopsy results.....

A lot went by and a lot is going on.

Before the year ends, I need to figure out my action plans for the year ahead. My priorities need to be sorted out for me to make a change. To take that big leap. Even though I risk leaping out of the frying pan into the fire.....
posted by aFTiRuSLi at 3:16:00 PM

Thursday, 20 August 2009

So you gotta hang on 'til tomorrow...

How idle. This is what it has become. How could I have neglected my best friend for so long?

Time to dust off and clear the cobwebs.

I'll be back.....
posted by aFTiRuSLi at 12:52:00 PM

Monday, 8 June 2009

Reboot

Goodness, I haven't blogged for ages. I'm not sure I remember how. But then again, I may not have ever known how. I started recording my thoughts on my phone so, the following entry is a compilation of what went through my head for certain points in time.

30052009
I feel as though I'm falling apart but people are not allowing me to. I want to break down but there is no outlet for me to do so.

Every time my professional life battles my personal life, I get lodged in the middle. The word RESIGN marquees through my mind. But resign from what?

01062009
Most people here put their personal lives on hold for their professional progression. I am not most people.

02062009
What a day. I don't even know how to label it but 'good' is not part of it. It'd be the second, third, fourth night I cry myself to sleep? It's been four weeks since I got back from the UK. And it's been four weekends that I have not gone out. Instead, I've been pulling 15-16 hours per day working in front of the laptop. This is not healthy.

Today I almost lost my best friend. Today I made a new nemesis. Today I realised that one's strength may also become one's own weakness.....
posted by aFTiRuSLi at 8:49:00 PM

Wednesday, 8 April 2009

Given the day that I had...

one would think that I'd be fast asleep right now. Instead here I am, blogging from my mobile. I just need to sort my thoughts and let off some steam.

2009 will be quite the eventful year I foresee. At least for me. There's so much I need to tell you but I'm not sure if this is the appropriate channel. Even if it was, I would not know where to start anyway.

Oh boy, I just reread what I typed and it triggered to me that anyone else who read this will not for the life of them know what I'm talking about.

Ah well. I was just trying to cease this blog's silence.....
posted by aFTiRuSLi at 12:22:00 AM

Tuesday, 3 March 2009

Breaking Point

In my attempt to rest, I am failing miserably. So here I am blogging from my phone and wondering whether technology like this makes my life easier or just raises the bar for the definition of efficiency. The more things people invent to supposedly help things get done faster, the more people expect your output to be. Which eventually just leaves us at square one.

Truth be told, I am exhausted. Exhausted from trying to exceed expectations that are not even mine.

Give me a break or I will.
posted by aFTiRuSLi at 10:27:00 PM

Monday, 2 March 2009

Imagine that this is the happiest entry that you've ever read as that is what I meant it to be as I begin to type this. I do not have a specific topic in mind because a hundred thousand things are going through it right this second and for the past few days I have been sucking at prioritising my thoughts. Let alone prioritising my priorities.

So picture if you will the simple scene of a woman with a notebook on her lap, her toddler jumping up and down on one side of the bed and her husband fast asleep on the other.

This is my 'happy'. Even if it means nothing to you.
posted by aFTiRuSLi at 11:48:00 PM

Friday, 16 January 2009

What then remains?

The disheartening part of it all is that, no matter how deeply it affects me, I have the option to say: "I'm gonna take a break." All of us have our own exit points to safety and security.

But not for the people of Gaza. No breaks. No exits. No escape.

They are left the same query as Francis Bacon:

"What then remains, but that we still should cry - Not to be born, or being born, to die?"
posted by aFTiRuSLi at 11:38:00 AM

Thursday, 1 January 2009

With a love like that...

He doesn’t surprise me with a bunch of roses delivered to the office.
He doesn’t bring me to expensive restaurants every night for a romantic dinner.
He doesn’t write me sweet nothings on pages and pages of lavender scented paper.

But he loves me. That I know.

He reaches out for my hand to hold whilst the traffic light is red.
He holds me close when we sleep at night.
He never leaves without a peck on the forehead and never goes to bed without an ‘I love you’.

He loves me despite the fact that I’m twice the size I was when we first met.
He loves me even though I randomly burst into insane rage for no apparent reason.
He loves me for all that I am and am not.

We may not be the couple out of a fairytale.
But what we have beats all happily ever afters.

For all that you are and are not, I love you with all my heart, Mohamad Shahrizal Emran.
Happy 3rd wedding anniversary and 9th year together, Sayang!
posted by aFTiRuSLi at 10:30:00 AM

Thursday, 25 December 2008

At age five

My parents left for Australia to pursue their Masters Degrees.
The four of us (Abang Amri, Kak Amni, Asni and I) were sent to stay in Kota Bharu with arwah Mok (great grandma), arwah Tok Ayah and Tok Wan.

Tok Ayah was the Tok Imam of the mukim.
Tok Ayah rocked. He let us play ‘imam’ at the mimbar.

I went to a sekolah pondok. A tiny hut, almost miniscule really, next to the masjid.
I learned ABCs, 123s, Alif Ba Ta and how to count money.
But I already knew how to read and count.
I loved my sekolah pondok.

Tok Wan taught ‘mengaji’.
My kampung mates would gather around her at our living room and recite the Quran.
I khatam-ed the Muqaddam.

Mok would ‘gelek’ my old botol susu over armies of ants attempting food takeovers.
I hated the smell of formic acid oozing from the ants.

Mok would never let us go out into the sun without slathering us with Seba Med (sent all the way from down under) and slapping us with as much talcum as possible.
I loved the smell of Seba Med mixed with powder.

An Aussie named Adli entered our lives.
3G, video-conferencing, the Internet, webcams were not yet invented.
It would be another year before we got to see him.

Tok Ayah’s bungalow was not yet constructed.
We lived in a wooden house we now call ‘rumah buruk’.
The bathroom was open air.
The only water source was the well.
I disliked the toilet.
Tok Ayah would carry me to the masjid anytime I needed to go to the loo. The toilets there were more ‘modern’.

I didn't know what modern meant.
I didn't know the existence of English.

I was a kampung kid.
I loved being a kampung kid.

Just like age four, my life was still simple, but perfect.

posted by aFTiRuSLi at 10:16:00 PM